I was recently interviewed by Joe Pena for his radio show for entrepreneurs, “Enlighten Me”:Discussions with Entrepreneurs who have a commitment to their purpose… and the courage to see it through.

We all have a purpose, and the truth is, we all have the same purpose – to be happy in life. What we “do” – be it for work, for our passions, etc. is simply how we implement our purpose.

This particular show was all about communication:
- What obstacles get in the way of our communication
- How to communicate better
- How to move through the fears that are holding us back

Take a listen & we hope you enjoy!

EnlightenMe-JennKaye

EnlightenMe-JennKaye

At 6am yesterday morning I had thought I would be packing my bags to return to Phoenix after spending a lovely extended week in Playa del Carmen, Mexico. By 7:30am I had decided to scrap Plan A and go deep sea fishing with friends. I’d never been deep sea fishing before, which was my rationalization at staying yet one more day.

We piled into the cars and drove down to Puerta Aventura where we had chartered a boat for the day. As we headed out, the choppy water threw us up and around and most of us were feeling more than a little queasy. I thought to myself, “What the hell have I just signed up for? FOUR HOURS of THIS?!”

As we headed out the water eventually became calmer, and I came to realize that this was more than a waiting game. Boredom began to creep in. The gentle rocking of the boat began to make me sleep so I closed my eyes. We were all pretty quiet when all of a sudden our captain, Nacho yelled out and our Mariner, Jorge, jumped into action. We had a fish on the line! Everyone gathered around Trisha who was our first in the seat. That was the first time I learned that there is a rhythm to deep sea fishing. When you let the line out, you reel the fish in and breathe. Then you pull back slowly…if there’s too much pressure on the line, you can ask for help. Then repeat…eventually the fish comes close enough and he/she is yours!

The day only increased in excitement. I was next in the seat and it happened so fast I barely had time to understand I was up to bat! I had no idea turning a reel was so damn hard. I turned & turned until I thought my hand was going to explode. Everyone was cheering & yelling & I wanted to be strong, but I could feel myself slipping. I cried out, “Ayude Me!” or “Help Me!” & the next thing I knew my friend, Beth, was right there. She shouted encouragement, inspiration & helped me with the dang pole. I struggled, I worked, my brain was exploding with self-doubt & kept saying, “I can’t, I can’t….” And then, just when I thought I couldn’t do this another minute, it was there! My fish! It was bigger than I could have ever imagined.

I’ll be writing about this for awhile…the metaphors are simply too delicious. In the meantime, here’s what I learned from a Marlin:

1. Stop planning & just make a decision to do something you’ve never done before.

2. Life is like fishing. You just keep moving, follow the signs and enjoy the moment.

3. Patience can make you nauseous, but once the action starts there’s nothing better to ease your stomach & clear your ehad.

4. Outrageous success may involve hard work, and you don’t have to do everything all by yourself.

5. You can give up, or you can ask for help.

6. Life is best lived…living! Get out of your head & into your life!

7. When your success is bigger than you can handle…get help in holding it up for the camera.

p.s. I found out that there are 3 types of “Billfish” that inhabit the waters where we were. Blue Marlin, White Marlin & my fish, which is called Bella Pescada. “Beautiful Fish.”

I encourage you to now get off the computer & go get your Marlin.

You’re not alone!

So there I was, taking myself way too seriously. (Mind you, I was on the beach, in Mexico – taking myself way too seriously.)

I was laying there questioning my purpose in life. You know, the deep stuff, no light daydreaming here. I mean, really, why was I here? What do I have of value to offer the world? To humanity? How could I contribute positively to the lives of others?

I was getting myself very worked up when the storm started rolling in.

Now, I should clarify that this was the middle of hurricane season. The year before, the area I was in had been so badly stricken by the storms that people were forced from their homes, the major resorts were closed and the major international airport was closed for weeks.

So, there I was, watching the black clouds growing thicker and darker by the moment. The storm was headed straight for us. The thunder was booming loudly. Then the lightning began.

Now where I come from, when the lightning is in the sky, the people get out of the water. The lifeguards blow their whistle and you know to get to dry ground. Quickly.

I watched the fishermen. They didn’t even blink. I watched the sailboats. Everyone continued talking. I watched the people in the water. IN the water.

As I started to scramble my belongings and hightail it outta there, I realized I was the only person reacting to this situation with panic or fear of this pending storm.

I stopped. I remembered that I lived in the desert. And while we have an occasional monsoon, rain is not a regular occurrence. I had to remember, I was in the tropics. They see this almost every day, at the same time.

At first I thought I had to be the only intelligent person on the beach. Then I realized they may know something I didn’t. I mean, they DO live here – year round. The MUST know the difference between an afternoon shower and a hurricane that can demolish a city.

Five minutes went by. Ten minutes. The storm passed. The sun came out.

It occurred to me that perhaps the storm was a way of reminding me that while life may look like a heavy storm and have all the rumblings of disaster, if we can just remember to take ourselves a little less seriously and watch the signs around us, this too shall pass.

I laughed. Out loud. I mean really, there I was, taking myself way too seriously. On the beach. In Mexico. On a beautiful sunny day. How ridiculous.

Here are some simple tips to help you remember that even when it seems like a storm is rolling in, sometimes if we relax and shift our perception just a little, we can, indeed, keep it all in perspective, and this too shall pass.

1. Stop reacting

Don’t let an impending storm take control of your feelings and actions. You are still the one in control. Take a deep breathe and don’t take the situation personally. Remember this: everything is a neutral event except for the emotion we attach to it.

2. Start observing

Watch. Listen. See what is actually happening rather than reacting based on an immediate fear. Evaluate the circumstance first. Sometimes the storm is over before you even know it.

3. Be grateful

Physically, mentally, emotionally, financially, spiritually. We are often more attached to that which we think we don’t have instead of expressing gratitude for that which we do. Take a moment to express thanks for what you do have and where you are at the time. (You could be sitting the sweet spot and not even realize it!)

4. Pay attention to the signs around you

There are signs everywhere reflecting the truth of a situation as well as your perception. What are people doing or saying around you? Is the rest of the world calm while you are worked up into a pickle? If so, check your premises. You may be making things up.

5. Lighten up

We as human beings have a tendency to make life far more difficult than it really is. Life is actually quite simple.

Take a step back from yourself and look at what’s really happening around you. If you can’t find something to smile or laugh about and lighten the intensity, you’re still taking yourself too seriously.

6. Remember this too shall pass

The only constant in life is change. Whether something is good or bad, it all passes onto something else. The best we can do is to remember that life does not always suck, and it isn’t always wonderful. It is a sweet mix that ebbs and flows between the two, and provides us with endless opportunities for learning, experience and practice.

(c) 2009 All Rights Reserved

It happens to all of us. The truth is, not making the call, the time or taking the action ruins our credibility and sabotages our connections in relationships.

Why is that important? Your credibility influences how much others will communicate with you authentically, cooperate with you, learn from you, be influenced by you and connect with you.

Come on, remember the last time your significant other said they were going to do something for you and they didn’t? Be honest, you’ve got that time stacked up with all the other skeletons in the closet just waiting to remind them of their failure the next time they make the offer.

It doesn’t matter if you are male or female. To create instant credibility and connection there are 9 little letters that represent the key to any relationship.

DWYSYAGTD.

Do. What. You. Say. You. Are. Going. To. Do.

If you say you are going to call…CALL.

If you say you are going to start spending more time together…just the two of you, GO ON A DATE NIGHT.

If you say you are going to work at creating more balance in your life…PRACTICE. Identify where you feel out of balance and do SOMETHING to help you relieve stress, spend more time with the kids, pay more attention to your spouse.

If you say you are going to stop overextending yourself so that you don’t feel so exhausted and taken for granted at the end of the day…start saying NO.

I realize that actually doing what you say you are going to do can seem, at times, overwhelming. We often say we are going to do something in a spontaneous moment of reaction. We want to be nice. We mean it in the moment. We know that if we tell someone what they want to hear, we increase the chance of them liking us or of receiving a positive response.

It is often more compelling for us to say we are going to do something, even if we do not follow through with it, than to stop for a moment, give the idea or request some honest consideration, and say we are NOT at that time.

When we don’t do what we say we are going to do, we lose credibility and integrity.

That works in at least two ways.

1.Doing what you say you are going to do, first and foremost, starts with YOURSELF.

We must remember that other people are merely reflections of us. We cannot like or dislike something about someone else without liking or disliking that same thing about ourselves.

So instead of projecting our own anger or disappointment at ourselves onto someone else, which usually doesn’t make someone else feel very good, we begin by being honest with ourselves and take the responsibility for correcting our own behavior first.

Why do we do blame others? Because it takes great courage to look at oneself, to acknowledge that we are not perfect and run the risk of self-disappointment.

2.When WE do what we say we are going to do, we gain credibility and with ourselves, which models to others a standard to aspire to.

Social psychologists have shown that we normalize to our environment. If our environment and our choices are filled with blame, guilt, resentment and incongruencies, others will respond to that in kind. On the flip side, when we make choices that are responsible, trustworthy, open and honest, others will begin to model that behavior as well.

Seriously, who wants to live a life feeling unfulfilled? Like they can’t do anything right? Feeling constantly guilty or resentful?

No matter how small you think something is, if you say you’re going to do it, start practicing now. You will build credibility and connection faster in all your relationships than you ever imagined.

For more than 20 years, Jenn Kaye, founder of Touch with Intention™ and Head-On Communications™ International, has helped individuals around the world to get more of what they value most in their lives and relationships – with less stress and more fun. She has been has been seen and heard on NBC Radio, Good Morning Arizona, Sonoran Living, RealTime Moms, BabyFirst TV, and quoted in dozens of publications including Femina, India’s leading women’s magazine and The Inspiration Journal. Receive her FREE e-newsletter, visit www.LifeHeadOn.com or contact Jenn at (602) 403-3500.

Most Warriors are made.
Some are born.
A few have always known…

Sword fighting and life, while on the surface appearing diametrically opposed, are in fact, parallel paths. Sword fighting in its purest form is the taking of life. There was no other reason to pick up a sword. Through the Path of the Sword we discover the true Path of Life. We slice away at the very layers that cloud our true purpose-Enlightenment. The principles and foundations of sword fighting are congruent with those of life.

Why does the sword feel so natural within our grasp? It is a symbol, a reminder of our past. Today, the sword is not the sword of the past, an instrument of death; the sword has become a tool for our enlightenment.

With the correct mind, any endeavor or action can lead to enlightenment.

The style that I pursue is one of basics and practicality. I have found it is best to embrace simplicity as the cornerstone of sword fighting and life.

We fight with swords because it is who we once were and will ultimately define who we become.

Fighting is a progression and must be approached as such. To leap over or ignore the fundamentals will result in weakness, false hope, and ultimately defeat. Fighting is form following function. No superfluous, wasted movements. Our movements are timeless. They have always been.

We must continue to question the strength and integrity of the bridge, until one has crossed over it and come back.

I often speak of what lies within us as something eternal. I believe that our concept of death occurs as we conceive it. Under no circumstances do I think that we truly know and understand the concept, which we call death. Until one has crossed over the bridge and come back, it is nothing but conjecture.

(It is my theory that God would not allow us to have this insight until we have evolved enough to grasp it. At this point in our existence, if there were complete certainty as to the concept of afterlife and a closer relationship with God, why would we choose to remain in this life? Our evolution would never occur if we walked like lemmings into the water.)

Anyone can pick up a sword and swing it. Sword fighting by its very nature embraces simplicity. A child can grasp a sword and begin the dance. As we grow older, we forget these deep- rooted, natural movements. The timeless, simplicity of the sword’s lesson is replaced by the complexity of life. We have become distracted by the race.

What was happening, however was that when their emotions would come up – male or female, mind you – it was disrupting their ability to focus, to compartmentalize and to remember how not to take things so personally. When the discomfort would arise, they would attach the discomfort to a specific person, rather than recognizing the pattern of the emotion itself. For instance, when someone at work would speak to them in a certain tone of voice, they would react in a way that tone made them feel – which was usually one of the following: frustrated, irritated, angry, annoyed, disrespected, unappreciated, insignificant and downright upset. When I asked them if they could go back to a previous time when someone may have said something in that same tone that made them feel the exact same way, more often than not they could.

Their emotional response to the current situation was merely a trigger-back to a previous experience…that rarely even had anything to do with work!

So what?

So, it’s about the pattern of the emotion. Emotions are important because they provide us with valuable information about how we’re really feeling. It’s important because at the end of the day, it’s not about other people, it’s about ourselves and taking responsibility for how we feel.

In order to address situations with other people, we must diffuse the trigger that is pulling us off center. Not eliminate the emotion, mind you, just diffuse the trigger that seems to push our buttons.

Here is a simple visualization exercise you can do in less than 5 minutes to diffuse an emotional trigger when it arises and manage your emotions a little more effectively so that you can continue to move forward:

1. When a challenging situation, circumstance, event or person arises and you feel yourself reacting to the emotion that comes up, imagine that there is a chord that is attached between you and the other person, or the specific situation that you are dealing with. Imagine, visualize, see, feel, pretend or just know that the chord is pulling at you from an area just around your belly button.

2. Now take a deep breath. In a moment you are going to cut that chord. If you want, this is a good time to ask for some ‘Divine’ assistance (whatever your belief is in something greater than yourself is…) – Archangel Michael is especially helpful for this type of activity; maybe you have a loved one that has passed on, or someone you admire and respect. Whether or not they are physically in your presence, it can be helpful to ask for assistance sometimes. Because you are going to cut the chord, you can imagine whatever tool(s) you would like. Perhaps a large pair of scissors, a sword, a knife, gardening shears…it is your cutting tool so you can imagine it in any way you like.

3. When you are ready, you are going to cut that chord that is attached to you and ask that when you do, the chord be returned to its original source with compassion, grace and ease. (We don’t need to examine the story of your life to drudge through the details to simply have the trigger diffused so that you can go on with your day.) Then, when you are ready, cut the chord (asking that it be returned to its original source with compassion, grace and ease.)

4. Now picture, imagine or visualize your favorite color about the size of a quarter just over the area on your abdomen, around your belly button where the chord had been attached to you. Imagine that color gently filling up your stomach, and extending outward until it has filled your ribcage.

It helps when you’re in the midst of an emotional experience. The more you practice it, the better you’ll get and the quicker you will be able to shift.

I laughed and said, “That’s right, you don’t!”

Even though we were talking about ‘someone else’ the truth is that sometimes we need to be reminded that we are at the heart of it all. When we get frustrated in being around people who do not inspire us, who take advantage of us, who does us an injustice, it is up to us to first look at ourselves and say, “Hey, where am I allowing this? What am I telling myself…about myself…that would allow this experience to affect me?”

It was a great reminder for me to see where I was integrity with myself. Was I walking my talk? Taking care of myself? Being honest with myself…and others? Was I rationalizing that I didn’t have time to take care of myself and that I’d get to it ‘later’? It’s too easy to project our own stuff onto others and then blame them for affecting our lives.

I suggested that indeed, she did NOT hang out with losers and that starting her day off with me over coffee was in fact showing excellent taste and a high level of value for herself. (And YES, I DO value myself enough to say so!)

How do you start your day?

I laughed and said, “That’s right, you don’t!”

Even though we were talking about ’someone else’ the truth is that sometimes we need to be reminded that we are at the heart of it all. When we get frustrated in being around people who do not inspire us, who take advantage of us, who does us an injustice, it is up to us to first look at ourselves and say, “Hey, where am I allowing this? What am I telling myself…about myself…that would allow this experience to affect me?”

It was a great reminder for me to see where I was integrity with myself. Was I walking my talk? Taking care of myself? Being honest with myself…and others? Was I rationalizing that I didn’t have time to take care of myself and that I’d get to it ‘later’? It’s too easy to project our own stuff onto others and then blame them for affecting our lives.

I suggested that indeed, she did NOT hang out with losers and that starting her day off with me over coffee was in fact showing excellent taste and a high level of value for herself. (And YES, I DO value myself enough to say so!)

How do you start your day?

The question is, why do we expend so much energy trying to control things we really have no control over? At the end of the day, isn’t it just exhausting?

Life is actually quite simple. We have two choices in any given situation, circumstance or event. We can be a victim and believe that things are happening to us, that we have no control over our situation and blame others for the injury we have suffered. Or, we can start taking responsibility for our own lives, our own thoughts, our own words and our own actions and decide that regardless of the injury, we are going to live life on our own terms, powerfully.

In our society, we are supported, encouraged and even rewarded for being victims. And yet, does being a victim ever feel good? Not usually. Being a victim tends to make us feel weak, vulnerable and powerless. And these feelings in turn can lead to depression, frustration and uncertainty.

The difference between taking responsibility for ourselves when life throws us a curve ball versus being a victim of a situation, is that we become far better equipped mentally, emotionally and energetically. We stop allowing energy vampires to suck the life out of us, and rather than feeling powerless, depressed and frustrated, we are able to experience our situation as an opportunity to test our super-powers of strength, positivity, clarity and focus.

If you are sick and tired of feeling frustrated, drained, like you just can’t get a break, and are ready to get over yourself and on with your life, here are a few guidelines for living life on your own terms.

1. Stop blaming everyone else

Seriously, stop it. Stop giving your power away and blaming others for what is, or is not, happening in your life. Your life is not anybody else’s fault and people are not doing anything to you.

What you are experiencing is not somebody else’s fault. They may have had a hand in creating an uncomfortable experience. YOU are the one who gets to decide how it goes from there.

2. Your Life is Your Responsibility

How do you feel about your life right now? Are you frustrated with work? Do bad things happen frequently to you? Is physical or emotional pain keeping you from fully enjoying each day? Are you overwhelmed with so much to do that you procrastinate doing any of it?

So, what are you doing about it?

“Stop expecting the world to rescue you. The Lone Ranger is not coming.” Larry Winget

There is no magic pill or knight in shining armor on a white horse coming to take you away or make all of the discomfort disappear. YOU are your own hero. You want control of your life? Then take the responsibility for it.

How you feel and what you think is reflected in how you speak (in the words that you use), and manifests itself in your world around you. Own your feelings, be truthful with yourself and be willing to face reality squarely in the face so that you may make decisions that empower you and bring you joy.

3. Things are not always as they seem

No matter how much we think we know, we don’t really know everything. We all base our experiences on our own perceptions which have been colored through our own lens of past events and observations, and may or may not be the full truth of any situation.

In Communion with God, Neale Donald Walsch writes, “Please temporarily give up any previous notions you have about God & Life…it is not about abandoning them forever, but of merely setting them aside for the moment….to allow for the possibility that there may be something you do not know. The knowing of which could change everything.”

While we spend most of our lives accumulating knowledge so that we can determine our values and beliefs and live accordingly, the truth is that there is an entire world of experiences that exist beyond our knowing.

Everything happens for a reason – even if we do not know what the reason is at the time. Keep an open mind and be willing to allow for that which you do not know. Sometimes the truth is far better than you ever could have imagined.

4. Acknowledge your feelings

Feelings are simple, really. We like things that make us feel good – love, affection, romance, acknowledgment. We don’t like things that make us feel bad – frustration, anger, sadness, hurt.

Of course, if we didn’t know what one felt like, how would we recognize the other? How could we know if we were in a good mood if we didn’t know what it felt like to be angry, upset, etc. The feelings we don’t like, we deny them, stuff them or rationalize them away. We do anything we can to avoid really acknowledging them and hope that it limits our discomfort.

Here’s the thing – feelings, pain and discomfort (physical, mental or emotional) are like a little kid pulling on your pant leg to get your attention.

If you have kids, you understand. If you don’t, go spend a day with a 3 or 4-year old.

When a child wants your attention, they do not really care what is going on in the rest of your life at the moment. They are not maliciously trying to upset you or piss you off. They are attempting to bring your awareness to a situation that needs attention.

Once you give them your full, undivided attention, they feel acknowledged and heard, and move on to greater adventures with more fun until the next time.

Feelings are exactly like that! They are designed to increase our awareness of our experiences and help us determine how we want to live our lives. Acknowledge them as they come up and remember, tears are nothing but a little bit of water.

5. Say what you mean

In challenging situations, are you more concerned with wanting to be ‘nice’ then saying what you’re really thinking? Are you afraid if you say what you really mean someone else might be offended, hurt or feel discounted?

Saying what you mean doesn’t mean you’re a jerk and being nice doesn’t necessarily require saying more. When we default what we’re really thinking and feeling for the sake of being nice for others, we compromise ourselves. (Come on, be honest, we’ve all had those moments after a situation where we’ve kicked ourselves and come up with at least 3 responses of what we should have said).

Try this: Take a current situation you’re having challenges in communicating around. Write out what you want to say. Now see if you can write that same explanation or communication out in 10 words or less.

Eliminate the fluff and get to the heart of the matter. It may be a little challenging at first, and the more you practice, the better you will get.

Life is what we choose to make of it, and often we must be willing to get over ourselves in order to get on with the business of truly living our lives.

For more than 20 years, Jenn Kaye, founder of Touch with Intention™ and Head-On Communications™ International, has helped individuals around the world to get more of what they value most in their lives and relationships – with less effort and more fun. She has been has been seen and heard on NBC Radio, Good Morning Arizona, Sonoran Living, RealTime Moms, BabyFirst TV, and quoted in dozens of publications including Femina, India’s leading women’s magazine and The Inspiration Journal. For more information, visit www.LifeHeadOn.com or contact Jenn at (602) 403-3500.